Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, [...]
He said.. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said..You wear briefs, don’t you
He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said.. What do you [...]
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that [...]
A wife complains, “A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
Her husband mumbled, “Clock always was slow.”
The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men
Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you’re not there when their moms call.
Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Real [...]
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”.
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, [...]
..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
..Bike helmets.
They’re good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that’s about it.
..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.
..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of [...]
Start asking her questions (don’t mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, “I think it’s time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.”
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it’s real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some [...]
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, [...]
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