The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

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While sitting at the coffee table, the priest
notices a bowl of almonds on the table. “Mind
if I have one?” the priest says.

“Not at all, have as many as you like”.

After a few hours the priest looks at his watch
and alarmed at how long he has been visiting
says to Mrs. Smith, “Oh my goodness, look at
the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have
eaten all your almonds. I’ll have to replace
them next time I visit.”

To which Mrs. Smith replied, “Oh don’t bother
Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it’s
all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them.”

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“No expensive extras, Doctor,” he ordered.
“No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as
you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which
tooth is it?”

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife…

“Show him your tooth, Honey.”

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Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

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Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

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Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

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Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too.

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Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.

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Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

A variation

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

Patient: What pills?

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Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

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