I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough [...]
Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.
Is “tired old cliche” one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
Yesterday I [...]
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, “Here, change this bulb”. I said, “I’ll need some friends”.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.
I got a garage door opener. It [...]
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn’t see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in [...]
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling… No, I’m tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. [...]
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “Yes”.
I saw a vegetarian wearing [...]
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can’t stop thinking like this.
This isn’t all true.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors.
Two [...]
All the plants in my house are dead–I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”
I was in a job interview and I opened a book [...]
I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The [...]
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it that said “Self Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the [...]
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